


The Toxic Mind of an Over Achiever.

by Ihasmagma



Series: Tales of Broadway Street [1]
Category: Beetlejuice - All Media Types, Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson, The Politician (TV 2019)
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Depression!, F/F, F/M, M/M, Mcafee is sassy, Multi, Payton and Evan are brothers, Payton has OCD, Payton has PTSD, Payton’s an asshole brother., Perks of Being a Wallflower - Freeform, Post Infinity scandal, Post Season 1, before Vienna and season two, i gave river a character, james is dead inside, otherwise everything is normal, payton for 2020, payton has bipolar, payton is abusive to his friends, payton needs therapy 2020, river deserved better, suicide!!
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-10
Updated: 2020-07-10
Packaged: 2021-03-04 17:54:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 686
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25190467
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ihasmagma/pseuds/Ihasmagma
Summary: Payton was getting better.He was feeling. He was happy. He was smiling.Then a gun shot fired.Then two attempts on his life.A lie that was never meant to be told.And now Payton is back to the beginning.But now alone.And now he has to face his demons...And find himself again.
Relationships: Alice Charles/Payton Hobart (short lived), Evan Hansen/Zoe Murphy, James Sullivan & McAfee Westbrook, Payton Hobart/ therapy, Payton Hobart/Astrid Sloan, River Barkley/Payton Hobart
Series: Tales of Broadway Street [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1824817
Kudos: 5





	The Toxic Mind of an Over Achiever.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [agaychicken](https://archiveofourown.org/users/agaychicken/gifts).



> Song title: Toxic Thoughts by Faith Marie
> 
> This is a poem to show Payton’s mental state.

“ I start this off staring at a blank page  
An open office document  
A blinking cursor  
Passing days  
Without a single word  
Some say it's absurd  
Like I float along a stream of words unsaid“

I love you, I love you

“Choosing not to cast my net  
But I spend so long questioning myself“

He clutched his head, as it told him to yell. To scream. To control.

“If this isn't right  
Then does that mean I failed?“  
He failed he failed he’s a FAILURE.

“Will my melodies ever live up  
Will my metaphors be profound enough  
Will I ever outdo myself  
The ceiling gets higher and higher  
It's harder and harder to shatter“

A politician can’t shatter. Can’t feel. He has a sky to reach.

“And when I fall  
I fall worse than I ever did before“

The alcohol Bottles smashing the ground.

“Evaluating the damage, no, I just don't understand it  
Conflicted my the very air I breathe  
A love with hatred laced between“

His very weakness was his love for him.

“You can see it in my eyes  
A child's spark light up the night“

‘One day you’ll be in this book’ his dads words echoed.

“Constant search for approval, suffocated by refusal“

‘Why did he leave...’

“Devouring my skull but never feeling full  
Oh dear, I don't wanna be a burden“

But he is a burden. His role is the bad guy. Always has. Always will be.

“But could you please be a little more concerned with  
The overactive mind of a believer“

‘You need control’   
‘You need to protect them’  
‘Being president is the only way you’ll bring change’  
‘You killed him’

“The toxic thoughts of an overachiever  
Oh dear, if only you could feel it“

The crown on his head felt like steel.

“The crippling fear of being deserted“

‘Let go of control, they leave’

“You can't touch the heat of this fever  
The toxic thoughts of an overachiever“

He will be president.

“I start this off a little confused  
Writer's block doesn't exist  
It's not a word I'm supposed to use“

He can’t take breaks, can’t waste time. 

“Because it's all in my mind  
A parasite I'm supposed to find“

He’s not broken nor broke.

“But sometimes  
Well, most times  
It's so hard to define  
So I pour a couple drinks“

‘I’ve been clean for fifteen days,’ he lies.

“Getting drunk on gasoline  
Fire pulses in my veins  
I'm sick of waiting for the day  
That courage overtakes my brain“

He leaps off the bridge.

“For someone to say it's okay  
I've lived my whole life afraid  
It's time for me to be brave“

‘You made me feel...’  
‘Can I Kiss you?’  
He nodded.

“To embrace a forest  
That's so dark and unknown“

The feelings in his heart.

“Because no great adventurer has a paved path to roam  
They pave as they go  
Disappointed faces leaving poisoned bread crumb traces  
I'm not taking the bait  
Let them rot in their place“

His thoughts can’t always be right... right?

“I deserve to be alright  
I deserve to sleep at night“

‘Must stay awake, must work...’

“I'm my closest friend, I remind myself again  
Better treat her well, 'cause she's with me 'til the end“

‘They are my coworkers...’

“Sometimes I forget the feeling  
Of every single nerve tingling“

How does one feel?

“Better than any lover's touch‘

‘I really did love you,’ he stroked his cheek.

“I've created tears of pain and burns of lust  
I've created a forest a safe place for myself“

No one can hurt a robot.

“That others have found“

River River River-

“Some attempt to destroy and others feed the ground  
Fertilize my mind with melodies and rhymes“

‘I won run away...’

“And let me remind you  
That everything is temporary  
You and I are temporary“

Bang!

“And this feeling that's so scary  
Someday you'll realize that thoughts so heavy  
Don't mean you're unsteady“

Someday he’ll find himself.

“But that you're only getting ready to say nice to meet you  
To somebody you never knew  
You”

Hi, I’m Payton Hobart.   
Whoever the hell that is.


End file.
